The new Mallorca 312: little brothers nasty big brother

The new Mallorca 312: little brothers nasty big brother

Well, where to start... I've never really ridden Sportives, in fact the last one I rode was the Mallorca 312 in 2014 -  this ride though is much more a festival of cycling, much less a race. The organisers want to showcase the wonders of cycling in Mallorca, for everyone to have a fab time and get everyone round the course - most major sportives will have a broom wagon - fall 1 minute behind cut-off and thats it, your timing chip is removed and you are deposited in a bus full of very narked cyclists. Here though is different - they really don't want to eliminate anyone - they even have a special sweeper team of green dotted riders who ride exactly to the elimination pace - worst comes to worst just sit behind them and they will drag you home - such a lovely friendly relaxed atmosphere and such a lovely place to cycle.

A new course this year, driven partly by the huge success of the Mallorca 312 - over 4,500 riders this year with 1,500 on a waitlist, up from 2,000 riders when I rode it 2 years ago - this dictates totally sealed roads, and that meant the old route that went right through Palma on the motorway wasn't really viable. One could also alas theorise that Mallorca being Mallorca that the right palms weren't greased with enough money to get the right permits, but either way a new route was needed on pretty short notice.

The old route was epic, 25km flat then 110km right along the entire mountain range, then 170km dead flat all the way home. I knew of course it was a new route, but mentally I was still sorta expecting the same profile as the old route - WRONG! The old Mallorca 312 had just spawned a new nastier big brother - same distance but now so so hard - lumpy bumpy, windy, twisty energy sapping nasty big brother.

Never before in anything I have done have I needed to watch and race the clock - but here the clock was beating me, I was just 5 minutes ahead of the first cut-off at 90km and with 40km to go before the second cut off at 232km I was 5 minutes behind, with no real plan of how to make up that time - until a lovely train of riders came by motoring at 45km / hr that I jumped on - and still then we missed cut off by 30 seconds. Thats how mad this course was - a group of pretty decent calibre strong riders having to smash it at 45km / hr for 45 minutes with 200km of riding in their legs just to hit a cut-off, and still missing it. Bonkers.

By now though I had already assumed that the organisers knew they had an issue... Like in previous years the success rate was been circa 90% -  and thats what they want, they want people to get home (compare to L'Etape where some years its 40%). At second cut-off however, sorta hardly anyone actually made said cut-off... We were waved through, as were people for a short while afterwards, the organisers wanting to try and get people round where possible.

So on we went, the finish line still 80km away, sort of in sight now but work still to be done, perpetually bumpy, lumpy, twisty all the way home. I finished in 2012 in 12 hours  - this year definitely stronger and fitter - 13 hours 30 minutes, 25 minutes ahead of the 9pm finish line cut-off in the end. Of 4,400 starters just 1,100 made it round the whole course, of those 1,100 I finished 900th. I never once saw the green dotted sweeper team but they were never far behind. 2% of battery left in my Garmin at the end, and pretty much the exact same left in my legs and head, I was utterly destroyed. For me for a change there were no tears of tiredness and joy,  just an overwhelming relief of having got round.

Knock on the door this morning. Its the hotel manager. Oops, they noticed the bike oil I got on the linen, here's here to tell me off.... "Sir, I just wanted to say congratulations at getting round the whole course, you were one of the very very few who did, none of our other guest here did, we hope you are feeling OK today". That made me cry...

Possibly the most fun you can have on two wheels

The highlights:
- The amazing weather, scenery, climbs, descents
- Great organisation. Food and ice cold drinks thrust into your hand at every feed station.
- All the villages we went though coming out to clap us along, so humbling
- (Most of) the final 170km smash home at 45 to 50km/hr in a 100 strong peleton
- Fantastic atmosphere, 12 hours amongst friends, none of the twitchy nerves of L'Etape
- The 20 stone+ guy suffering like crazy up the climbs, everyone giving him a shout of encouragement or pat on the back - chapeau!

The lowlights
 - none really, other than the guy who missed the corner on a descent and smashed himself up.
 - forgetting the suntan lotion...ouch.

I entered this ride by accident really, I had booked a training camp in Mallorca a couple of months back and whilst googling around saw that "Mallorca 312" was on whilst I was on the Island and booked it, not really thinking any more about it until earlier this week when I had the realisation that:

- I've only ridden 300km+ 3 or 4 times ever in my life, and never against the clock
- I only rarely do rides with 4,000m plus of climb (and never against the clock...) - thats half way up Everest, at race pace.
- The two put together I have never done, and not against the clock either...
- Since falling ill last year I've only done two 200km rides, and they were both flat, and not against the clock...

So the realisation was that this was going to be an "interesting" day...

Unlike the iconic L'Etape where all newbies (myself included) are twitchy as hell beforehand, which makes for a lot of nervy riding, the Mallorca 312 was just a festival of cycling, everyone enjoying  themselves, relaxed and happy, no-one fretting about their start position on the grid, everyone relaxed and chilled out on the bike.

Pic 1: The obligatory oneselfie thingy at the start.

I did fret a teeny bit the night before, realising that it got dark at 8.50pm, 10 minutes before the cut-off time for finishing, and I really truly expected to be on the road still at that time, so I put lights on the bike. But then I thought I would look like a prat, so I took them off again.

Pic 2: At the start, alongside the dreaded sweeper van. Thankfully the closest I would be to it all day.

It was hugely well organised, all the mountain roads were closed for us, a police escort through Palma on a cordoned off lane of the motorway, all traffic stopped at traffic lights and roundabouts whilst we sailed through, leaving Island wide traffic chaos in our wake. The feed stations were super quick and efficient, in-out no messing around, just perfect.

Pic 3: Feeding time at the zoo. Arrive at feed station, open mouth, inhale calories, depart.

The hardest part of mass rides is starting at your pace, not getting caught up in a group going beyond your pace - easy to do, but suffering will follow. It is OK to suffer at the end, but not the beginning, thats just asking for trouble - but thankfully I found a group that was doing just the pace I wanted, 35km/hr ish and cruised with them for the 20km to the bottom of the mountains, and then the ride really starts, 120km of continual up and down along the mountain range right down the side of the island. 

Pic 4: Amazing scenery, hard not to be inspired to ride harder with weather, terrain and scenery like this.

1,700 people did the ride, with it splitting at the 90km mark, the pansies (ok, I'm taking bragging rights here...) who were doing the half distance 167km ride turning left, the proper riders (still bragging...), turning right. That's when the talking pretty much stopped, everyone who turned right knew there was a lotta work still to be done, a mere 220km of work left...

Not still bragging (much) but 5 times Tour winner Miguel Induarain was riding, along with Giro and Tour winner Stephen Roche and world champion Oscar Freire. Anyone want to guess whether they did the full ride or whether you will find their names on the result list for having done the ride that turned left...

Bit by bit the miles ticked by and to be honest I felt great throughout. I'm not the worlds fastest climber, but I know I can climb all day at my climb rate and I kept the rate (800m / hr vertical ascent) up throughout without any real degradation or suffering. Was very happy with that.

At 140km we came out of the mountains and there was now 170km left pretty much flat, with mostly a tailwind - time to smash it! I knew then that even if I rode the entire 170km on my own, alone, as a tempo ride that I'd be home at about the 13 - 13.5 hr mark, happily within the cut-off, but the plan was to mooch along riding tempo until a small group came by, and then hook up with them to share the work, and so it turned out - 5 people caught me, I joined them, then 5 became 10, became 25, become 50 and then we were really motoring, cruising along at 40 - 45km / hr hoovering up smaller groups all the time, ending up with a group of about 100 of us smashing along. Well that was until a couple of local Mallorcan clubs hit the front, clearly determined to show us interlopers who was the boss - the immediately cranked the pace up with surges to 50km / hr and sure enough I start to slide back through the pack and them bam, out the back door, 1 missed wheel suck quickly becoming 1 length, then 10,  and gone, spat out the back. We regrouped at the feed station, thankfully without the locals, and the smash recommenced - 5 minutes hard work at the front then mooch in the pack all the way home at 40 - 45km/hr, just magic, goose bumps and the odd tear in the eye over the final 10km.

And that was it, pah to the 14 hour time limit, we came over the line with high fives all round in 12 hours exactly. I will post my Garmin next week but it was 27km /hr moving average with 11.5 hours riding, 12 hours total time, by far my best ever ride over either distance or this terrain, let alone both put together. I finished almost bang in the middle, 489th out of 895 who did the full distance. The first guy over the line did it in 9 hours 8 minutes (huh?!). The happiest bit for me was that almost exactly a year after falling sick and losing so much weight and fitness in 2013, not only did this ride show I am finally fit again - but I still felt strong at the end which felt great - it was certainly my favourite rides in terms of the overall experience. I felt strong that is until I got back to the hotel and the adrenaline wore off and my whole body went into protest overdrive  - I simply couldn't walk, talk, sit, stand, eat, drink or sleep - everything was like I had drunk 15 pints, all a bit slow motion.

Pic 5 -  Pasta Party time!

So, back to the training camp that I am meant to be here for. Hm, I think that'll have to wait another day or two, my body today is still broken - all of it, every little bit. Sitting here a day on I look back on yesterday -  I had no plan (other than not going off too fast) going into the day but if I had to write a plan then I couldn't have written it any better than how the day actually turned out - from start to end it was a cracking day on the bike and I recommend the Mallorca 312 to anyone. Unless you are a pansy of course in which case do the 167k ride instead. Love & hugs XX.